Pull the Trigger and Bite the Bullet
by stolen with the night
Summary: Hobbits have kept themselves isolated from the rest of Middle-Earth for so long that none of them have realized just how advanced they were in comparison or the fact that their kind is now supposedly mythical. Or, Bilbo Baggins is a BAMF with a gun and many, many hidden blades and is horrified at the lack of toilets and indoor plumbing in general outside of the Shire.


_**Summary-**_ Hobbits have kept themselves isolated from the rest of Middle-Earth for so long that none of them have realized just how advanced they were in comparison or the fact that their kind is now supposedly mythical. Or, Bilbo Baggins is a BAMF with a gun and many, many hidden blades and is horrified at the lack of toilets and indoor plumbing in general outside of the Shire. Evolved!BAMF!Hobbits

* * *

 _ **Authors Notes-** Got nothing, seriously. Enjoy! Also, I'm sorry about the warnings bit, I got carried away._

* * *

 ** _Warnings-_** _AU Hobbit history, hobbits are supposedly mythical, the elves find this shit funny, the rangers of Bree know about the hobbits, hobbits are shut ins with battle skills, Gandalf is sick of their isolated shit, Hobbits value knowledge more than anything- even food, Bilbo has so many hidden blades on him, Bilbo is a walking arsenal, Fili and Kili are going to make a game of counting his many pointy things, don't fuck with the Bilbo's feathers, don't fuck with Bilbo, he'll politely kill you, eventual Thilbo, probably, don't quote me on that, Bilbo is sick of pissing in chamber pots and author is shit with grammar. Thank you._

* * *

 ** _Chapter One-_ _It all Started quite simply too..._**

* * *

It all started quite simply too.

To be specific, one travelling and homeless hobbit looked to another and said, ' _How about we combine our wares and sell together?'_ And that was okay, really, it was. Until the other hobbit replied with, _'But how will we add them together without losing track of our numbers, or them being accurate?'_

It was all so simple how the lives of a society could change tracks within one moment.

Those two hobbits put their merchant heads together and did just that.

It was the birth of the counting frame- later named the Abacus after the merchant hobbit cousins. Hobbits at this point in time, did not have a written numerical system and thus the counting frame was made with this in mind. Small beads of plain wood were threaded on thin columns of wood within a frame, were used to keep track of numbers. To add a bead and to take a number away was simple and like all hobbits, these two merchants wished to share their invention with all of their wandering kind.

The counting frame became an immediate success within their race, launching the beginning of slightly more complicated mathematics. Simple problems were taught and how to easily calculate them with a counting frame, adding and taking away were taught to the children of the wandering so that they might be prepared to help their parents and elders in selling their wares.

But as time went on, it became obvious to the still homeless hobbits that the abacus could not calculate large numbers and thus a group of hobbits were formed who dedicated their lives to devising a system to cure this problem. They were mathematicians, who lead the journey of discovery upon the unknown land that was mathematics- a now coined term.

Over the next century, discoveries were made and a place value system was created, thus written math. Despite this, mathematics was still in it's infancy as it would continue to grow in between long periods of stagnation. Still, the hobbits valued this knowledge, claiming it an art that everyone should know. Unfortunately, this art was one that would take time to teach and as the hobbits were wanderers they never settled long enough to pass on their discoveries. Even with their written theories, a language barrier separated most races.

And as the hobbits moved along the land, another art was born; navigation of the stars. One night, as the wandering race trekked the earth in search of a home, as they had for as long as they could remember, one particular hobbit looked up to the darkened sky and at the glimmering lights known as stars and realized the same stars appeared every night but were swapped out for new ones as they moved along.

This hobbit, young as he was set out to immortalize the pattern he had found. On a block of ivory he carved the stars above and when others too noticed this pattern they made their own. Soon they brought all their creations together and noticed how much a set of stars would resemble a picture of sorts, an easier way to remember these stars in the sky. They named these groups of lights, constellations.

It was easy to navigate using the night sky with the help of these newly dubbed star charts and with the years, these charts could only grow more accurate as the hobbits explored the earth they had been born on. With these star charts the hobbits were also able to determine where they had already traveled to. Thus they were also more confident in finding their way without fear of getting lost. So much so that they sent out separate parties in search of a good dwelling place before _meeting beneath the northern star in three moons time_.

By spreading themselves out, these groups becoming known as scouting parties, the hobbits would eventually find the land now known as the Shire. It was in the time after the hobbits had learned to divide the weather up into four periods of time, during the season of herbs and flora, known as Spring that a scouting party returned under the northern star with news of rolling hills.

The hobbits traveled in joy, following this scouting party to this free land. With permission from the King of Arnor of Fornost, two hobbit brothers of the scouting party, Marcho and Blanco, crossed the river then known as Baranduin, leading their kin to their new home. All the hobbits had to do was swear allegiance to the Kings of Arnor. It was easy for this home starved race to agree.

Settling down in their new territory was easy, land was leveled for roads and houses were built into the natural slopes of their small village- the hobbits being unable to part with it's natural beauty and fortitude and for the first time since their great trek had begun- spanning almost an age- the hobbits had begun farming. With seeds collected, the hobbits sowed them into the upturned ground.

Some grew more than others, some did not come shoot up from the ground at all and as the hobbits had learned on their great journey, sometimes it was best to take notice of these discoveries. Each new moon a hobbit would visit each crop and it's farmer and take notes from what the farmer had seen and when all twelve moons had seen the night stars, the hobbits came together to discuss what was best.

As their knowledge of the lands grew, so did the number of their dwelling. Hobbits had been wanderers and for the sake of many, did not produce many offspring in the cold nights without homes but now that they did have a place to call their own, many hobbit lasses and lads joined together in order to fill their comfy smials with the sound of young laughter.

The hobbits were forced to expand their small village, taking their numbers west of the River Baranduin where their populace expanded once more. Children were abundant and by far outnumbered the adult kind.

Then came a war.

The hobbits were wanderers, they swore to themselves they would never forget that, nor the years of hardship and homelessness. And they never would, but they also never forgot what it was like to see faunts suffer in the cold or to see a lass cry for a lost husband and so the hobbits struck up a deal with their king, they would send their best warriors and in exchange, they were to become independent as a whole. It was agreed upon.

The hobbits built themselves walls and in their paranoia for the safety of their kin trained themselves in weaponry so to protect if ever their walls were breached and when the war was over, there the hobbits remained, cut off from the rest of the world. In the Shire, the hobbits grew to be dependent on only their kin and land. New trades were learned to sustain themselves, the hobbits continued to grow, to evolve, regardless of the outside world. So much so, that they had no idea how much ahead they had gotten.

No hobbit left the Shire walls and no outsider could find the well hidden dwelling place of the hobbits after the fall of Arnor, none but the township of Bree, whose human occupants did no live often past the age of sixty, survived. So, their race, along with their hidden kingdom became naught but a legend to those that did not live through their wandering days, such as the high elves and the few Bree hailing rangers that often had to speak with the hobbit bounders on the wall.

No hobbit left the Shire.

Until one day, one did.

* * *

It was rare that the hobbits spoke in Westron for any extended period of time, not for any prejudice against the language but rather for the fact that all hobbits spoke Hobbitish- the language surviving thanks to frequent documentation and appropriate schooling- and needed little from the common tongue. However, the hobbits valued knowledge above all, even food, and so every once and a while you would see a faunt or two conversing in the common tongue with pride.

Every faunt was taught the common language for the only trading that went on between the Shire and the outside races were those of the literary sense. Books were written in Westron by the world beyond the walls of the Shire and in return for their marvelous produce, were given to Bree rangers who passed them along to the hobbits. The books and tomes were often ones on history of the other races as the hobbits were quite happy to educate their young in all other areas.

And so, while rare, a hobbit speaking Westron was not enough to garner to much attention. Which was why the Bounder and two feather Shirriff Bilbo Baggins received no suspicious glares as he leaned against the outside wall, speaking to one of the few non-hobbit's that knew of the Shire's whereabouts- each one sworn to secrecy- in the common tongue.

Bilbo narrowed his eyes at the strangely dressed ranger. The hobbit had never come into contact with a species outside of his own race with the exception of the Dunedain rangers, who according to many history books were the last descendants of the Arnor ilk and were vastly different from the others of the race of men in many ways despite looking like them- though taller, darker and often more suited for battle. Still, Bilbo had been assured that most outside the Shire dressed like them.

They wore cloaks of deep green and grey with rather simple looking bows strung across their backs and shoulders. It was often that the head of the Baggins family would spy broadswords strapped to their waists, swords he would find himself admiring. The hobbit Bounders and Shirriffs preferred blades that were light and sharp as their kind were not very strong but instead fast and light on their feet.

Bilbo himself was littered with many hidden blades with two revolvers tucked in nicely. Still, it was a strange manner of dressing to the hobbit who wore a black suit coupled with a green waist coat and red tie. The only perhaps odd thing about his style of dress was the hair clip nestled in his golden brown curls as it held up two proud feathers of green and red, identifying his rank.

With a disapproving sniff at the rangers covered up feet, Bilbo spoke as he looked at the new ring decorating Isil's finger, all too aware that it meant the rangers had lost their leader. "I take it you will be heading to Rivendell then."

A sad smile touched Isil's lips as he twisted the ring of Barahir, a symbol of friendship between the Dunedain and the elves and an heirloom that would now go to the young heir of Isildur who as tradition dictated would be brought up with the high elven lord of Rivendell.

"Yes," The ranger responded. "I have no doubt that the Lord Elrond has already received word but the ring of Barahir must be returned. I would also like to give my personal grievances to the Lady Gilraen." He tacked on shyly, so odd an expression on the warriors face.

Then his face cleared, not the bearing of a man of the wild but one of a close acquaintance, ready to doll out many polite smiles tinged with genuine warmth. "I would gladly accompany you to Bree." He said with a cheeky twitch of his lips, his eyes simmering with mirth.

Bilbo scoffed, rocking on his heels, "Not likely!"

There had been an interesting rumor of late that often featured himself and the outside world. Supposedly a few days back a wizard of sorts had asked a ranger to deliver a message to the Thain of the Shire, offering a position in a company on an adventure of all things. It was passed off as an odd joke until Isil had informed the many bounders of the reputation the wizard held.

The hobbit Thain, intelligent as their kind were, looked past the meddlesome facade and saw the power the grey wizard held. In fear of what the wizard would do should they flat out refuse, the Thain decided to send his grandson out as an ambassador of sorts, if only to serve as a polite masking of their eventual refusal. It was an interesting rumor and it was unfortunately, very much true.

Bilbo groaned as he pushed his fingers through his curls being careful not to jostle his feathers. "Of all the hobbits, why me? The outside world is no place for a hobbit." Though he could not deny the sparks of excitement that came like fireworks whenever he thought about taking those steps beyond the final wall of the Shire, to do what his mother always dreamed of doing.

"Well," Isil started with a casual shrug of his shoulders, "I imagine it is your Baggins blood that may be to blame. A Took may be the most willing to leave but they are too quick to leap where as your fire is tempered by the practical nature of your father." He then shot a stern look to the hobbit, "And need I remind you that you hobbits once walked all of Middle-earth, survivors, all of your kin are."

Bilbo sniffed delicately but couldn't help the small swell of pride at the casual reference to his kind's awe worthy history and the fact that Isil had retained the knowledge Bilbo had taught him of hobbit hierarchy and what that meant in exchange for knowledge of the elven race and their language. "Flatterer," He muttered silkily. "If you insist on being this forward then I suppose you _must_ accompany me."

Isil nodded with mock solemnity, "So mote it be, Master Envoy of the legendary and supposedly mythical race of small folk."

The hobbit clicked his tongue in faux annoyance, allowing a shameless smile to grace his lips. "As it should be."

* * *

 _ **Notes-**_

 _ **Westron** \- Apparently there had been many languages before Westron came about, many of which had different dialects and so, language barrier._

 ** _Marcho and Blanco-_** _Were in fact, two hobbit brothers who asked the King of Fornost for permission to settle down across the Brandywine. Y'kno before it was actually the Brandywine._

 ** _The War of Arnor-_** _The hobbits claimed to have sent archers, we don't know if they actually did. But in my story they did and in exchange for their independence._

 ** _Hobbitish-_** _Before the Hobbits began their 'great trek' or the 'wandering years' their home had them coming across the men from Rohan often and their languages are actually pretty similar. In canon, as the years went by the hobbits adopted Westron as their main language and hobbitish died out with few words still being recognizable as Merry was able to compare them to 'old words.' He later wrote a book about the relationship between the two languages. But I made Hobbits advanced enough to record everything so they didn't lose their language, not to mention they don't have any outside influences._

 ** _Ring of Barahir-_** _Yeah, real. One day Elrond will give it to Aragorn._

 ** _Dunedain-_** _I think we all know about them._

 ** _Bounders and Shirriffs-_** _We all know about them, I think. Anyway, they're the voluntary police force of the Shire. Only in my story they're more suited for battle. Praise be the paranoia of the hobbits! The ranks are determined by their feathers, believe it or not._

 ** _Lady Gilrean-_** _Aragorn's mommy! Seriously you guys need to go watch 'Born of hope' it's fan made but I love it. Also, while we're at it, every heir is brought up in Rivendell. Odd but true._

 ** _Peace out my loves!_**


End file.
